I’m dying by the second

Last year, my brother started becoming very generous. He’s usually very stingy. Did I say usually? I was wrong. I meant always. Anyhow, like I said. He changed. He’s a better person now, generous and all. Ha ha! Not just food or movie generous, but gadget generous. Have I mentioned my iPod touch? I call it my spliff. He gave it to me. Go big brother! Not!

Just a while ago, he told me he was going to get it from me. I practically died hearing him say that. It’s like my whole world fell apart and I have nothing more to live for. I begged him not to. He was kind enough to say that it wasn’t going to be any time soon, said he’d probably get it this May. I DON”T CARE! I told him I’ll just lend it to him. But, no! It’s his iPod because he bought it and stuff. Ugh. Just thinking about it is killing me. I don’t know what I would do when the time comes for him to take my spliff away from me. I better come up with a plan to sabotage his plan of taking it away from me.

 

When it all comes crashing down

I recently, and by recently I mean about less than a year ago, turned 18. In about a month, I’m going to turn 19, and I just realized how much I’ve missed out on the world and what the world has to offer stupid, lost, ignorant, teenage girls like me. Alcohol, cigarettes, alcohol, boys, hook-ups, drugs, cars, alcohol, joining a band, parties, extreme sports, boys, and more alcohol. There’s so much I haven’t tried and I’ve only got about a year left to be a teenager. After that, it’s hello reality for me. Man, time flies so fast.

Anyway, since I feel like I’m running out of time, I might as well try out some of these things. Yesterday, I didn’t want to try drinking alcoholic beverages. I don’t have to explain myself, right? Besides, you wouldn’t believe me anyway. Going back, that was yesterday, today, however, I’ve tasted alcohol more than I should, and it feels great. Take note, feels. I still don’t find it tasty like other drinks such as chocolate shakes, chocolate milk tea, or yakult. Anyhow, I guess it isn’t really the taste that teenagers, or any other person or adult, want from alcohol. It’s the feeling that comes with it, or the person you become under its influence.

So, alcohol, that’s one thing crossed out from my black list. I already went to at least four parties, but nothing wild, so maybe we’ll still leave it untouched. As for boys and hook-ups, I want to go to a party where I meet some random guy and we hook-up the next day on a coffee place somewhere. That’s one cute way of starting a love story. However, besides the common I-passed-by-my-crush-on-the-hallway kind of thing and frequent day dreaming, I haven’t had much experiences with boys. As for smoking, I probably wouldn’t try it in a million years. No offense. It’s just that I am first and foremost a daughter to my father before anything else.

We’ve talked about alcohol, cigarettes, boys, hook-ups, and parties already. The next thing on my list would be joining a band, extreme sports, cars, and drugs. All of which I have never tried in my life, and all of which I want to try at least once. Though I think joining a band would be impossible seeing that I have no talent. The next best thing is extreme sports, I’ve always wanted to try bungee jumping. Then I’d learn to drive a car. My father was actually planning on teaching me but I don’t know when he plans to do it. Last on my list is space brownies. I think I’d like to see how it feels to have space brownies. I often wonder what I would do if I was on one. Would it get serious, or would I be doing something beyond stupid, or would I get caught by my brother or sister or parents or the police officer.

Speaking of police officers, we encountered a few of them last night. We were at some place having drinks, and suddenly they showed up taking pictures of everyone inside. Good thing we weren’t anywhere near the entrance so we had the chance to leave before they got a copy of our faces. It’s kind of cool though, I think. Getting caught and going to jail. Well, not jail, the precinct at least. You’re there with your friends and each of you gets to have one phone call. Then while waiting for your parents to bail you out, you talk about that shitty thing you did that caused you to be there in the first place and laugh about it until your stomach hurts. Now that’s something interesting to add to the list.

 

I watch as another leaf falls from the tree of life

Okay. So, since Monday, I’ve been meaning to write an entry. It’s about what happened that day. But, of course, laziness got the best of me, I didn’t do it. I just thought I’ll make it over the weekends since it’s the only time I could post it on the net. Then, Tuesday came, and I wanted to write about it again. Wednesday came, and Thursday, and Friday, they’re all the same. I wanted to write about those days that have passed. Plus, I actually wanted myself to finish at least one thing my mind initially planned on doing.

I am trying very hard, mind you. It’s just that I’m too lazy. I know that ’s not an excuse. That’s also why I still try. Like right now.

On my way home, I thought about how my stories would go. How I would phrase my words, how the whole of it should sound, and how it would go. I actually had a hard time with this. I realized when I write, or at least try to, I write in a somehow grandeur manner, I mean that’s how I want it to be. But, see, that grandeur manner is kind of difficult for me. That’s why on my way home, while thinking about how my stories for this week would go, I realized all my stories from now on would all have one similar characteristic: simple.

Life isn’t about how big your house is or how cool your ride looks. It’s about who you spend time with in the house and how you spend it, and who you’re with in the car, where you’re from, and where you’re going. Nothing beats that, right? I think even if you’re driving your grandfather’s old truck, you’d still be having fun as long as you’re friends are there singing along the tracks on the radio. And that in itself is life.

That’s how it is for me this time of the year. We had this awesome day last Monday. It wasn’t really planned and all. Like most college students, we’re busy people and usually do not have any more time for planning because of so many deadlines. Still, we love adventure, and having fun, and hanging out. That’s why we go ahead and do the next plausible thing on the soonest possible time we could think of. It is depressing how only five out of fourteen people were only able to experience this, but, like I said (in simple terms), we are kind of impulsive. We headed to Bulacan, and oh-my-God, we were finally able to visit Raf’s hacienda. It’s actually amazing how, when we’re having fun, we are able to do a lot in a span of half a day. Contrasted to when we’re gloomy and stuff, it’s like the whole day passed and we feel like we haven’t achieved anything, not one thing.

Anyway, that was all said and done. Thank you, Raf, for that wonderful time at your place, and of course Jeca, Ruth, and Mark, without whom, this day wouldn’t be at all possible.

 

You are the butter to my bread, the breath to my life

Last night I spent the remaining of my waking hours watching Julie and Julia. It was a very simple film about two people and cooking. Yet, its beauty is as incomparable as the beauty of the glorious feathers of the phoenix. It’s actually a very inspiring story.

Thanks to this film, I was reminded of how good life is. It is simply good and goodly (if I had to invent such a word) simple.

Nowadays, more often than not, I have had lots of failed attempts at finding meaning in life. I have learned, through existential philosophy, that we create our own meaningfulness. It is up to us to fill the nothingness of our existence in this earth. However, the search for meaning isn’t the same as searching for a needle in a haystack. True, both are very difficult and may seem impossible, but the latter is more comforting because you are always sure that indeed there is a needle in the haystack.

The former, on the other hand, as you know, isn’t as concrete as a needle. It’s more like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Therefore, you don’t literally search for meaning. Meaning is created out of an individual’s engagement with what is valued, and this commitment provides the purpose that makes life worthwhile (Van Deurzen, 2002a).

I think that’s what I have done wrong here. I rationally sought out life’s meaning. I knowingly dug a hole in my being without being sure of what to fill it with. I tried to find meaning in what I have done in life and seeing it wasn’t much, I got lost searching for more. I made myself believe that to be meaningful, I have to accomplish far greater things than what I have accomplished now. Of course accomplishing great things would be food to the self, soul, being, ego, mind, whichever you prefer. But I also realized that I didn’t have to look for great things. Simple things can be great, and very meaningful.

Remember how, when we were little, when you went to the playground to play on the sand box, you find some kid got there first. You turn around feeling so dismayed. But before you take your step, you feel a hand touch your shoulder, you turn around, you see the face of the kid from the sand box smiling at you. You find yourself smiling, and the feeling that you’re suddenly floating on a cloud of marshmallows and cotton candies overwhelms you?

That’s how Julie and Julia made me feel. And it taught me that people can find meaning in their lives by mastering the art of french cooking.

 

My first post for the new year and for a new life

It wasn’t that long since I decided to partially shut myself from the world. It was a tough call, but I made a choice. I’m just not so sure now that I made the right one. Looking at it, I can’t even remember why I did it in the first place. I forgot why I started this, and seeing there’s no point, I’m officially ending it today.

A lot has happened since and I’m not one to forget. There’s this very eventful Paskuhan and fireworks. Karaoke until dawn. Booze, though I didn’t drink any, before the day light. Booze after effects. Pool party that night, I officially intoxicated myself with an alcoholic beverage and got allergies the next day. Christmas. Get-together with friends. New Year. Sleep over. Four-on-four’s. Prelims. After prelims night out. Booze – big time. Shrimps… and that’s just the gist of the gist of all of it.

It’s such a shame that I didn’t get to write at all about these things. And all because I had some stupid thought which became even more stupid when I carried it out. To think these are some of the most eventful things that can happen in college that are never to repeat itself, ever. I’m looking forward to more events such as these, probably better. This time, I’ll make sure I go out of my way and write about some of it. And here my friend said my blog/life wouldn’t be as interesting as before because I have finally moved on and sort of found myself.

Anyway, I originally planned on doing some dramatic reentry to the blog community but I kind of forgot how it should go on. So I’ll just leave it like this.